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The other day, my mother, who compulsively shops for anything you can think of, bought me a bag of sunflower seeds, as I went through a phase of eating them about a decade ago.
First of all, this was a completely redundant gesture, as they were just the seeds, and everyone knows that sunflowers seeds taste of absolutely nothing at all, and the only pleasure to be derived from them is cracking the zebra-coloured shell to extract them.
No good deed is without merit, however, and in eating them I did manage an idea, which, as those who know me will tell you, is a laborious and taxing process at best.
According to the packaging (which, perhaps naively, I find no reason to doubt) these sunflower seeds were bought in a branch of Boots and are part of a "meal deal."
Now who, exactly, aside from perhaps squirrels and other small fluffy mammals, would ever consider sunflower seeds a "meal" ? Granted, perhaps Boots receive a lot of custom from numerous pigeons and small tits, but this still doesn't explain how I ended up with them as my mother doesn't even HAVE small tits.
Sorry, I seem to have digressed and in doing so swerved perilously close to the territory of the "fat momma" joke, which I'll avoid.
Meanwhile, back on the subject at hand, why is Boots (are Boots? is Boots? I hate shops with no apostrophes) selling food in the first place?! If a butcher had a deal on moisturiser and sun-tan lotion, I think I personally would give it a miss, but somehow a shop that's know for medicines and cosmetics has started offering meals and none of us has batted an eyelid.
Food in general, now that I mention it, has been getting stranger, lately. McDonalds, in a frankly ludicrous attempt to improve it's image, has started offering salads as a direct result of Morgan Spurlock's "Super Size Me."
Something about this bothers me, and I can't quite put my finger on it. Kudos to Mr. Spurlock for shaking an empire to it's core, it's impressive by any standards and far more than the more high-profile Michael Moore has managed to do. (Although one does suspect Moore eats all his meals at McDonalds and just forgot to film it...)
McDonalds, though, is about grease. It's about grease, and junk, and things that will, probably, give you a McCoronary sometime before you make it back to your car A coronary which, by all accounts, you can make bigger and more life threatening for a bargain 30p.
McDonalds isn't SUPPOSED to offer good food. Everyone knows that McDonalds is bland and bad for you, in the same way we know that alcohol is bad for us and we'll all regret it in the morning. Several months ago I thought I'd have a go at a McDonalds chocolate donut, and it was f*cking horrible. I remember remarking to those around me in my witty, Wilde-esque style, "This is f*cking 'orrible."
Doesn't matter. I still have one whenever I go in, now, and they're still terrible.
My point is this: NOBODY goes to McDonalds for a salad. In fact, I wouldn't trust anyone who did. I think I'll add that to my list of character indicators. Never listen to anyone who doesn't like "Columbo", and never trust anyone who goes to McDonalds for a salad.
Salads go against the whole POINT of McDonalds, and I personally think that they should have more balls than to run for cover when their "secret" gets out. Tobacco companies have known for years that cigarettes kill you, as have the public, but they don't suddenly branch out and start a new line of Malboro Lollipops as a healthy alternative.
Another thing that's worried my lately, food-wise, is the reappearance of Pepperami. For those too young to remember, or those living in another country, Pepperami is best described as a stick of peppered meat in a wrapper.
I've always been bothered by them, principally because nobody has yet proved to my satisfaction that it isn't just the spiced penis of some unknown animal that the snack-hungry public has sent rocketing towards extinction, but over the years I sort of forgot about them. Now, all signs (TV adverts, posters, the Beast running loose in the streets of Bethlehem) point to it coming back. We should be on our guard.
Now, some people may level the fair and accurate criticism at me that everything I write has no real structure; that I'm prone to going off on tangents and that I always end abruptly and inconclusively. This is true.
To these people, however, I say that if you can find another article on the web that goes from Sunflower seeds to animal penis by way of a chocolate donut, then good luck to you!
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Suleiman the Magnificent was a legendary lover but how did he maintain such a strong libido?
This article will let you know some of his secrets and some of the colorful history that surrounded his life including classic sexual positions that have stood the test of time and are renowned for providing both partners with sexual satisfaction.
He ruled the Ottoman Empire from 1520 to 1566, and was said to have made love daily at least twice to five times right up until his death until his death.
How did he do it? Is it myth?
Doubtful it was only myth as his sexual prowess was well known as well as his military might and his refinement of the Law.
In spite of his great love for his Roxelana (a Russian slave that became his first wife and Queen mother), he was a daily visitor to his harem, and in fact, spent most of his days there.
To keep so many women happy, or at least to try, Suleiman had to be in great physical shape, and also an expert in the art of lovemaking.
According to much literature written about him, as well as traditional well known stories (told in Turkey and other parts of the once all-powerful Ottoman empire)
Suleiman’s diet & exercise regime
Suleiman followed a daily routine of martial exercise (usually horse riding with the use of weapons), fencing, and then hours in his hamam (steam bath) a combination of physical exertion combined with adequate rest in between and a special diet to keep his libido strong.
His diet was rich is pistacio nuts, and honey, but an hour before entering the harem for sex he would eat a specially spiced honey with 41 herbs.
The recipe was kept secret, and to reveal it meant death for the proto-pharmacists who concocted it for him. Many of these herbs have been covered in our other articles but the essence of his diet was to eat raw foods full of nutrients
Today alas we tend to eat processed foods and lack energy in times gone by this was not so and the lesson is to eat as “naturally from the earth” as possible and avoid processed foods. Energy was provided y good carbs such as brown rice an excellent food and meat was lean and plentiful with an abundance of fresh fruit and vegetables.
It is said also the Suleiman’s physicians advised him to daily eat fresh eggs with white bread, which will aid in sperm production, increase of libido, and sexual prowess.
Suleiman’s sexual preferences, according to letters written by Roxelana, were the third, eighth and a special position called Doc-al-arz, from the Arab Classic, The Perfumed Garden.
The Yawning Position (3rd from the Perfumed Garden)
The woman lies on her back, lifting her left leg halfway to her chest.
The man does not lie, but suspends himself between her lifted and laying leg, supporting him with outstretched arms and is actually on his knees.
He enters the woman, and gives a strong thrusting movement. This is a great clitoral and g-spot stimulation posture, and if the man is truly vigorous, he can bring a great deal of satisfaction to himself and his partner.
The 8th Position from the Perfumed Garden
The woman lies prone (on her stomach) with her legs apart.
The man then enters her from the rear, but his legs are, instead of between the woman’s, outside them (at least one leg is; the other is between the woman’s two legs).
The man is resting on his knees, but is not laying on top of the woman, but is having his torso straight, resting his outstretched arm on the woman’s neck or shoulder. The man trusts vigorously, using hip motion. The woman will be in ecstasy very quickly, and should experience a profound orgasm.
Doc-al-Arc (Pounding on the spot). Suleiman’s Most Favorite
The man sits on the edge of the bed. The woman sits on the man’s lap, facing him (this is most important), and wraps her legs around his waste.
The man enters her, and keeps his penis fully inserted at all times. The trusting is done by rotational movement, and the woman doing a kind go grind (as seen in belly dancing), pushing and rubbing her vulva and thus clitoris against the man’s pubis area.
Orgasm comes very quickly and profoundly to the woman, and if the man can control his own climax, the woman will have the opportunity at multiple orgasms.
What can you learn from this?
Well a lot actually! The reason Suleiman maintained such a strong libido was down to good diet and exercise now you don’t have to workout like he did but exercise and a diet of natural foods with potent herbs will keep libido strong.
The sexual positions above are from classic literature of the day and have been known throughout history to provide great satisfaction for both partners, so try them and see!
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LIFE AFTER BIRTH: THE FIRST 6 WEEKS
Life after birth can be chaotic, especially if this is your first baby. Taking care of your newborn is hard work and won’t be much fun until he or she develops a personality. In case you didn’t know, a newborn doesn’t laugh or smile, it can’t play or even hold its own head up without a supporting hand. All it can do is eat, sleep, dirty diapers, pass gas, throw up and cry. Despite all of this, you will – believe it or not – love your little tot more than anything else in the world. Moreover, you will learn a lot about yourself and your partner as you both navigate through these initial days of parenthood.
Sex (or lack thereof)
You should know that sex is off-limits for at least 6 weeks after your partner gives birth. Don’t forget that she just delivered a fair-sized human through a very tiny birth canal and her body will need time to heal. Your gal’s doctor will ask to see her about six weeks after delivery for a full physical and emotional post-baby follow-up. At this visit, the doctor will check to see how her wounds are healing. If everything is good, your partner will get the green light for sex. However, this doesn’t mean that she will be as keen and eager to get back into the game. She’ll likely be tired from the whole pregnancy ordeal and from the added responsibilities of caring for a newborn. Help out as much as possible and be patient. Her interest in sex will return…just don’t push her too hard.
Sleep (or lack thereof)
The good news is that babies need a lot of sleep – about 15-16 hours a day. Unfortunately, newborns don’t have regular sleep patterns and don’t sleep for long hours at a time. This means that you won’t have regular sleep patterns either. Get used to napping throughout the day. And if that doesn’t work for you, then get used to sleep deprivation. You and your partner may feel like you are losing your minds as you quickly realize how cranky and dysfunctional you can be after several nights of disrupted sleep. Hang in there. After about 8 or 10 weeks, your baby will start to sleep through the night (approximately five consecutive hours) and your sleep-deprived, zombie-like state will be a thing of the past.
You may with to alternate night shifts to maximize the amount of uninterrupted sleep each partner gets. There really is no need for both of you to get up every time the baby needs to be fed, coddled or changed.
Caring for Your Tiny Tot
After your shopping spree for nursery items, layettes and strollers, you may have thought that you were fully ready for your baby. While these purchases were necessary, they are only a small part of what you need to survive postnatal care. There will be many new and strange things for you and your partner to learn. The ins-and-outs of feeding, bathing, diapering and umbilical cord care are in no way intuitive. Don’t get scared or discouraged by your new-found incompetence. Chances are that your partner is also incompetent in this area. It’s okay to make mistakes; every new parent does. The good news is that the parental learning curve is steep. You and your partner will quickly develop the skills needed to care for your tot. To give you a helping hand, here is are a few pointers on baby care basics:
Feeding
The first step is to decide your method of feeding – breast milk or formula? There are many benefits of breastfeeding, including nutritional and emotional advantages. Breast milk is a complete food source that contains hormones and disease-fighting compounds that are absent in formula. Nursing also helps build a special bond between mother and baby. Studies show that babies thrive on the skin-to-skin contact, cuddling and holding that occurs during breastfeeding. However, there are a variety of reasons why many women do not nurse. They may not be able to produce enough milk or they may have to return to work soon after birth and are not available to nurse the baby throughout the day. Whatever the reason, your gal should not feel guilty or uncomfortable with deciding to bottle-feed. There are many excellent formulas available which are highly nutritious. Speak with your partner’s physician or pediatrician about recommended formulas.
Regardless of your method of feeding, you should know that most newborns eat about 8 times a day (approximately every two to three hours). However, you shouldn’t try to set scheduled eating times during the first few weeks after birth. Let your baby eat whenever he or she seems hungry.
Bathing
Because your baby’s umbilical cord will need to heal, it is very important that you keep it dry to prevent infection. After about two weeks, the gross looking stump (i.e., remnants of the umbilical cord) will fall off and your baby will be left with a cute little belly button. In the meantime, take extra care not to wet the umbilical cord during bathing. The best way to do this is to give your tot sponge baths until the cord heals.
To give a sponge bath, you will need a stable surface, a soft washcloth and lukewarm water. Make sure that you test the water temperature before applying the cloth to your baby to prevent scalding him or her. Your elbow or the inner part of your wrist is a good place to test water temperature. Your hand is not a good guide since it is not very sensitive enough to tell how hot or cold the water really is. Now you can begin wiping your baby gently with the moistened washcloth. Begin by wiping your baby’s eyes (from inside to outside), ears and under arms. Then you can move onto legs and genitalia. When washing the bottom, make sure you wipe from front to back to avoid bringing any feces near the genitals. If you have had your baby boy circumcised, then you will want to speak with your pediatrician about caring for the penis while it heals.
The most important thing to remember when bathing your baby is to NEVER leave him or her along – not even for a second. Babies squirm around a lot, so you should always keep your eyes and one hand on your little one during bath time. The same rule applies when you are changing your baby’s diaper.
Changing Diapers
Don’t avoid this responsibility because it you have never changed a diaper before. Because babies pee and poop so often, you will spend a lot of time changing diapers. Take advantage of this precious time with junior. You may also have to develop silly and immature techniques to comfort your baby if he/she does not enjoy the diapering process. As ridiculous as you may feel, this is actually an important part of establishing a parent-tot bond.
While it may be dirty work, diapering is not rocket science. For easy to follow instructions, make sure to read our article on How to Change a Diaper at www.thefunkystork.com.
Caring for Yourself and Your Partner As flighty and silly as it might sound, self-care is important. Neither you nor your partner is doing your tot any good by neglecting yourselves. Try a shift-work system where you schedule an hour or two during the day where one parent will care for the baby alone. This way, the other parent can practice self-care – taking a long, warm bath, going for a run, doing yoga, reading or just going for coffee with a friend.
You will find that self-care will also help maintain civility in your relationship with your partner. By making time to do something for yourself, you will find that you won’t feel as overwhelmed by your initiation to parenthood. And don’t forget that this rule also applies to your partner. In fact, she will likely need more time for self-care than you since she will also be recovering from both 40 weeks of pregnancy and hours of childbirth. Also be aware that your partner is particularly vulnerable to postpartum depression during the first weeks after birth.
Postpartum depression, which is a more serious case of the baby blues, can begin as early as a few days after delivery. Experts don’t know the real cause of postpartum depression, but they suspect that it has something to do with changes hormonal levels. Stress, disturbed sleeping patterns and changes in daily routine can all contribute to postpartum depression. Signs and symptoms include restlessness, irritability, changes in appetite, sadness and anxiety. If your partner is experiencing any of these symptoms or if you sense that something isn’t right with the way your partner is behaving, you should consult your physician immediately. Untreated, postpartum depression can develop into postpartum psychosis, which is a serious mental illness that requires medical intervention. Both you and your partner should take her postnatal psychological state very seriously.
On a lighter note, you and your partner make an extra effort to keep the romance in your relationship. While your baby will require a lot of your time and attention, he or she will also be taking a lot of naps. Nap-time may be the perfect (and only) time for your and your partner to romance each other. Snuggle, watch a movie, make dinner or enjoy a glass of wine together. Whatever you decide to do, take a minute to set the mood with candles and relaxing music.
Another important factor to consider is how involved you want your parents or partner’s parents to be. Parental intervention can add some seriously unneeded stress to the situation and unnecessary strain on your relationship. That said, you shouldn’t reject offers to help. Being a new parent is not going to be easy and you will need all the help that you can get. Just remember to set limits and don’t be afraid to tell your relatives what you need (and don’t need). The last thing you want is to have one overbearing relatives overstepping their boundaries and overstaying their welcome.
Now What?
Things change after about 6 weeks of caring for your newborn. You and your partner will be different people, your relationship will be redefined and your tot will begin to act more like a baby than a squirmy alien. Life will get easier from here on out. Your tot will become a toddler and will begin roaming around the house. Make sure you are prepared for junior’s curiosity by baby-proofing your home early.
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Sometimes overcoming premature ejaculation is a matter of learning effective relaxation techniques and bringing more awareness into your sexual experiences.
Interestingly, this idea contradicts a lot of prevailing wisdom around 'numbing' sexual sensations and distracting oneself from the experience.
I want to share a very simple exercise to increase what I call your "cock awareness".
The more you are present with all your feelings and sensations, the greater the level of your control and arousal and so the more intense your orgasms can become.
Remember orgasm and ejaculation are two separate physiological events for a man (and oh, just by the way, for a woman too!).
The final outcome is that you will develop more control, simply by increasing and refining your awareness, especially of your cock.
The focus and development of awareness is one of the gifts of Tantra.
The word Tantra is a Sanskrit word that means expansion of consciousness and liberation of energy. I'd need a whole other series of articles to begin to delve into that.
For now, I want you to focus on an exercise.
We are all in the chronic habit of holding ourselves away from our genitals, so try this!
THE EXERCISE:
Sitting or laying down, be comfortable.
Relax your breath, notice each breath moving through the nostrils. Then after a few minutes, drop your breath awareness to the navel.
Next drop awareness to the perineum, between the testicles and anus.
And then to the pelvic floor. Bring your awareness to your pelvic floor and relax everything.
Relax your buttocks and anus.
(The pelvic floor is the web of muscles across the base of the pelvis, attaching to the sitz bones, pubic bone and coccyx, forming the base of your torso)
The genitals are enmeshed in these muscles. Usually you are continually pulling up the pelvic floor unconsciously with your inner tension, cutting of sensation.
From this point on, every moment you remember, bring your awareness to the pelvic floor and RELAX EVERYTHING!
As you are sitting or laying down, feel with your awareness the full length of your cock as it extends from the deep core within and away from the body.
Feel the deep root, where it joins and emerges from your body.
Visualize your sacred cock, as a generator of love energy, a magic wand.
Imagine and feel a fire filling up and flooding of the pelvic area.
Feel the intensity of the most subtle sensations.
Relax into the genitals. Feel them from the inside out.
Relax. Be more rooted in the base of your penis.
Hold the entire penis in your awareness, not just the tip.
Ask yourself, "How can I open more?" Focus on how it feels, not where it is.
Notice how your sensitivity and arousal increase by feeling in a relaxed manner.
There is no outcome here, except to relax and feel more. That is the exercise, practice it often!
While it seems at odds with so much theory around distraction from, and numbing of, sexual pleasure, the basic principle of increasing awareness during sex is this;
Feel your body, sexuality and orgasms; and
Learn your body, sexuality and orgasms; then
Master your body, sexuality and orgasms!!!
In an upcoming article I will explore how the idea of sexual control and mastery is not about control at all … but that would be getting ahead of myself. Until then enjoy yourself practicing.
Love,
Mukee Okan
Copyright 2005 Mukee Okan
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Let's Face it if I mention Rabbit Vibrator you know what I am talking about and needs little introduction but few realise the workings behind this orgasmic sex toy.
A rabbit vibrator is essentially a standard vibrator. But don’t be confused as there is one essential ingredient to this vibrator which will be explained later.
A rabbit vibrator has a few extra features. The rabbit vibrator is designed especially for the needs of the woman not only for solo stimulation but to enhance lovemaking between couples. Rabbit vibrators truly shine as one of the best sex toys for women. Over the years Rabbit Vibrators having been giving names as they have progressed. For example The Rabbit, Bunny Rabbit, Pearl Rabbit. Essentially these sex toys are all the same with the exception of variation of colour changes. Rabbit vibrators usually have a rotating or gyrating head. Most new rabbits can rotate both clock-wise and counter clockwise with a controller for the speed. The head is most often shaped like a penis to give a realistic feeling but can be found with a curved end for maximum g-spot stimulation. Majority of them have small plastic or metal beads incased in the shaft that vibrates or rotates at varying speeds and directions which can intensify at a touch of a button. These beads serve to enhance the sensation of an orgasm much like a ribbed condom. When the muscles of the vaginal wall contract around these vibrating or rotating beads during an orgasm, the beads provide extra sensations. The beads are found only on a rabbit vibrator and are one of the features that make is so popular.
The second and if not most important feature of a rabbit sex toy is the rabbit ears hence the name rabbit vibrator. These ears are shaped much like the ears of rabbit which in turn vibrates and stimulates the clitoral stimulation as they come into direct contact with the clitoris.
When shopping for a rabbit vibrator look for variable vibrating speeds and rotations which can easily be controlled either by a fixed handle or a remote control unit. The rabbit is a tried and proven sex toy which was unanimously chosen as the "best vibrator" out of 40 different vibrators on Playboy TV's "Sexcetera" and was selected as the "best vibrator" on a radio station in New York City when pitted against the Hitachi Magic Wand.
To enhance your experience when using any vaginal or anal sex toy vibrator make sure to use water based lubricant such as Super Silk. With all this said sex toys can be a wonderful enhancement to lovemaking and a source of truly spectacular pleasure and these toys should not be used in place of your partner but with your partner.
